Eagleionline

[Cue sad piano music in A minor, open with generic black-and-white shot of a depressed individual.]

[Freeze-frame, cue inverted-color effect, cut to next generic black-and-white shot of a depressed individual.]

“Hi, my name is [insert washed-up B-list celebrity personality here] and I want to talk to you about an evil that exists among us, a plague which represents all that is base, ugly, and regrettable about the human condition. This condition drives those it afflicts to commit acts of insanity, things that no human being in his (or her) right mind would ever contemplate. It’s high time that we recognized this terror and its deleterious effect on our society. After all, when one is constantly and relentlessly abused, degraded, and debased, both physically and mentally, we can hardly expect him (or her) to act like the revered “Average Reasonable Person.”

[Cut to close-up of B-list celebrity with a serious, raised-eyebrow look]

I speak, of course of Battered Law Student Syndrome.

[Cue ominous music and defiant drum hit].

[Cut to graphic of “BLS” with embossed skull and crossbones]

Although yet to be officially recognized by any psychological or medical study worth its salt (or any study, period), let me assure you that it is real, as are its effects. Each year, thousands of bright-eyed college graduates enter law school, only to become, one year hence, frazzled, downtrodden shells of their former selves. Their torment is singular, unrelenting, and unrecognized by the public at-large. Gone are the days of carefree parties, buried beneath law digests and legal memos. Afternoons playing ultimate frisbee on the quad are forgotten amidst a constant onslaught of cases, motions, impleader, joinder, concurrences, and dissents.

[Cut to B-list celebrity behind a desk in a study, holding a pipe in his hand]

You may ask yourself, why don’t these poor souls just leave and seek help from their oppressors? Simply put, they cannot. They feel trapped, like nothing they could do would ever free them from the abuse. They may have tried running away, only to quickly return to the safety of the law school for fear of running over a thin-skull plaintiff, or committing an inadvertent strict-liability tort of some type in the process. They are trapped, helpless, and cannot be held accountable for the odd, eccentric behavior they often exhibit.

[Cut to B-list celebrity in a white lab coat with a monotone background]

So how can YOU tell if you or someone you love is suffering from BLS? Here are a few warning signs:

· Sudden shifts or changes in appetite.

· Jokes involving “legalisms” such as estoppel or incomprehensible Latin phrases.

· Gradual disregard for hygiene or public appearance.

· “Making it rain” at random times in places other than strip clubs.

· Uncontrollable, alternating bouts of weeping and laughter.

I’m [washed up B-list celebrity], inviting you to join with me in the crusade to bring this debilitating syndrome to the public’s attention.

Question of the day: How can one overcome Battered Law Student Syndrome?