Eagleionline

The Online Dating Scene – Everyone’s Doing It, Even the Cool Kids!

Part I: Lists and Rules

It is February 15, the day after Valentine’s Day, and I have decided to begin my foray into online dating. Did the fact that I was single on a day when everyone was with their significant others play a part in my decision? Yes, but a small part. In response to this, I suppose I should start by introducing myself and assuring readers of a few things:

1)      I’m not lonely. In fact, I’m usually surrounded by people and I suspect I go out more than most students at BCLS. I’m your average grad student who procrastinates, hangs out with friends, and occasionally goes clubbing/bar-hopping. Just last week, I met a girl at a club, got her number, and took her out on a date.[1] Why am I detailing my personal life? Because I’m insecure that you might think I’m a loser for doing this. Again, the preconceptions I have about joining OKCupid prevail.

2)      I’m not desperate. My last girlfriend and I broke up not too long ago (but not so recently that this is my way of getting over her) and though 27 feels old when I realize my parents married at 25, 40 also happens to be the new 30. By that logic, I’m today’s version of a rebellious, recently licensed-to-drive, mid-pubescent, testosterone-filled 17-year-old.

3)      I’m not looking to get laid like commenter #2 from my last post. I have religious and moral scruples about such behavior and have a tough time objectifying women (though many do it to themselves) or myself as a means of sexual fulfillment. Interestingly, I probably felt this way before I believed in Jesus. You can thank Mama Ahn for this, Papa Ahn wanted me to go out and do soft drugs, date white girls, get laid by white girls, make some mistakes, and experience Americana to the fullest.[2]

With that said, I just want to meet people on this website, I don’t want to put too much work in but OKCupid makes you fill out this profile questionnaire (as well as taking a number of multiple choice quizzes), and from the looks of how others have written their responses, I can’t just write one sentence. The questionnaire categories are

“My Self-Summary”
“What I’m doing with my life”
“I’m really good at”
“The first things people usually notice about me”
“My favorite books, movies, music, and food”
“The six things I could never do without”
“I spend a lot of time thinking about”
“On a typical Friday night I am”
“The most private thing I’m willing to admit here”
“You should message me if”

Right off the bat, I make a rookie mistake: My alias is FrankAhn. I know, I know, though even the most computer illiterate person on OKCupid probably knows enough to protect their privacy, I lay myself out there for anyone curious enough to Facebook or Google me.[3] Fortunately, this doesn’t bother me, I’ve got nothing to hide and have no frills about being honest generally (I might the only person who uses his whole name on eagleionline, instead of say, “3L.”)

Anyway, I don’t want to give a serious answer to any of these questions. Plus, it’s amazing just how hard guys and gals on this site try to pack as much wit as possible into their profiles. My jaded response to this is that there’s no way any of these people are a tenth as suave as they try to make themselves sound. Miss Desperate here is practically asking to be stalked by detailing her life story because she doesn’t get enough attention in real life. Mr. Smooth over here probably spent hours thinking of his impishly charming response to “I’m really good at.” This isn’t hard to fathom since some profiles stretch out into autobiographical novellas. I have decided to distance myself from the pack by writing more than the minimum but spending the least amount of time possible. Besides, there’s much more to people than their words and most flattering pictures, you have to account for their smell, their voice, how they interact with others, how they dress, how much they leave for tip, and the looks on their faces when you take them to McDonald’s for your first date[4].  I have also decided that I will not be putting up my most flattering pictures. Of course, this all changed during my first week of scoping OKCupid’s talent.

Before I get into that, some initial thoughts while looking around on OKCupid:

1)      There are some really attractive, well-educated women on this site, and from what I can gather from their sky-diving, playing-with-the-dog, dressing-up-as-Leela-from-Futurama-for-Halloween pictures, they have personality! Lots of these women are getting their Ph.D. or MA, and probably have no trouble finding guys who’d want to take them out. They usually respond “very selectively” to messages. Why would they use this site? My first few weeks will be spent trying to figure this out.

1. Maybe I have a Jew fetish, but I swear the best looking, well-educated, endearing, classiest girls on this site are Jewish.

2)      There are also some superficially challenged women and the bigger ones tend to describe their body type as either “curvy” or “—” and I wish them the best of luck. Generally these are the people who “respond often” to messages.

3)      There are also some insanely “emo” girls here, these are the ones with the longest profiles, and I should probably stay away from them but the stupid/curious/savior-complex/dramalicious side of me wants to see just how deep the rabbit hole goes[5].

4)      Lo and behold, there are BC Law people here! I count 4 so far including my friend who I mentioned in my last post. I promptly message her: “Hey baby, want to go for a ride?” I feel like Harrison Ford from American Graffiti.[6]

5)      There is a function where you can search for potential mates based on ethnicity. No doubt, yellow fever runs rampant on this site[7].

1. Interestingly, a lot of the oriental[8] girls state on their profiles that guys with yellow fever should stay away. However, I suspect that the anti-yellow fever some of these girls have can be defined by a distaste not only with people who have the complex, but with other yellow people as well. That was long-winded. Basically, they want to date white guys.  

So, back to why everything changed on my first week of being an online predater[9]. OKCupid has a chat function, and one night I used it to strike up a conversation with a very pretty girl. Normally, no one responds when you try to instant message someone on this site, not to me at least. But for some reason I decided to be persistent with her

Thankfully, she responded. Then she proceeded to make suggestions for my profile:

(11:45:27 pm)SuperHotGirlFromWeek1: I have suggestions to your profile
(11:45:31 pm)SuperHotGirlFromWeek1: You shouldn’t say you’re bored
(11:45:38 pm)FrankAhn: Well I was the night I made it
(11:45:50 pm)SuperHotGirlFromWeek1: Well it doesn’t sound good to girls
(11:45:55 pm)FrankAhn: Probably right
 (11:46:10 pm)SuperHotGirlFromWeek1: And you should probably take down that second picture..
 (11:46:22 pm)FrankAhn: I love that picture
(11:46:31 pm)FrankAhn: I figure everyone puts the best pictures of themselves, I’d put my worst (11:46:46 pm)SuperHotGirlFromWeek1: Well there’s a reason why they put the best and not the worst
(11:47:05 pm)SuperHotGirlFromWeek1: If I put one of me like that you’d reconsider talking to me
(11:48:05 pm)SuperHotGirlFromWeek1: Humans have eyes for a reason..
(11:48:37 pm)SuperHotGirlFromWeek1: everything you do is analyzed online more than in real life

Then she ignored me. However, SuperHotGirlFromWeek1 had a point. I wasn’t going to get anywhere until I started to take the site, with its questions and algorithms, seriously. My elitism faded and I took off my first two pictures (the one to which she was referring is viewable here) and edited my profile. I also set some ground rules:

1)      I must take the site seriously and earnestly seek to find someone. The half-assed efforts are sniffed out pretty quickly. I also can’t message people asking them to hang out because I’m writing a piece for my school paper on the mechanics of online dating.

2)      Otherwise, be completely honest about who you are. Don’t write “Agnostic and laughing about it” in the religion section even if it would scare off less people than “Christian and very serious about it.”

3)      Leave everyone but yourself anonymous. I’ve already been doing this but I’ll reiterate here that I’ll try to respect the privacy of others.

There you have it. With these rules I set forth to find someone. No feedback yet but I will persevere.

Responses to last week’s comments:

1) Who are you? I’ve been in OH, then CA, then MA, where have you been?

2) Were you the one I saw in Subway the other day, contemplating whether or not to get avocado on his turkey sandwich? If so, then call me, *wink* (BTW, I’m totally not gay!)

3) Thank your Mr. 3L

4) You are no doubt either a female or a flaming homose… gay man, in either case, *wink* (Just kidding! Again, not gay!) (I love gay people in a not gay way, please don’t crucify me.)

5) Where am I going?

6) I don’t always have sex, but when I do, it’s through craigslist. – The most interesting man at BCLS

[1] Andohbytheway, unless personality was a big part of why you decided to dance with him or her, never do this. Factoring in the fact that people usually dress their best, are dimly lit, and are seen through beer/wine/vodka/rum/tequila/etc. goggles at clubs, you will most likely be disappointed if/when you see these people again. Plus, whatever chemistry you thought you had with the person probably wasn’t real. An hour or two dancing with someone, no matter how close your bodies are doesn’t provide any insight into who they are. Sorry.

[2] He’s Republican.

[3] For the record, had I chosen an alias, it would’ve been either “FrankTank69” (an obvious Conan reference), “83tilinfinity” (my favorite song from high school was “93 til’ Infinity”), or “ScaliamayorLoveChild.”

[4] One of several tests that guys perform on dates, others include the unlocking-her-door-to-let-her-in-the-car-and-seeing-if-she-leans-over-to-unlock-your-door trick and the princess questions (ask her to look up, if she tilts her head up she’s fine, if she only lifts her eyes, she’s a princess; see how she looks at her nails, if she bends her knuckles with her palm facing her to look at them she’s legit, if she straightens her arm and looks at them with her palm open and the back of her hand facing her, she’s a princess, and you shouldn’t be wasting mama’s time introducing her; etc.)

[5] Zing!

[6] Papa Ahn would enjoy this vicarious slice of Americana.

[7] Yellow Fever applies only to Asian women, not Asian men. I blame Hollywood. Why? Ever seen Jackie Chan or Jet Li get the girl? Nope, it’s the bumbling white man, Owen Wilson, who gets the exotic Chinese princess in the end. With that said, I loved all 3 Rush Hour movies.

[8] Sorry my gringo friend. Only, I can say “oriental,” not you, just me.

[9] Yes, yes, I know predator is spelt with an “o.”